Letting Go of Chaos

We’ve all been there…we go shopping and get home, only to find that the thing that was so perfect in the store isn’t right for us at all.

I’ve gone shopping with an idea of the type of bag I needed for work, travel, etc. and settled on something less than ideal or what I was looking for, only to find it basically useless and not solving the problem it was intended to solve, and not fulfilling any purpose - eventually tossed in a closet or in the basement storage.

I know some people would say “It’s just a bag – throw your stuff inside and get to the bus stop”. The problem here is more involved than it would seem. Because we walk or take the bus everywhere, I need a bag that is durable, but I also am not strong enough to carry around a ton of weight right now. In my mind is an image that I am literally carrying around the excess that I am working on simplifying.

With the choices I have made in the past, I have a stack of bags that are basically useless and don’t suit me at all.  I needed a new plan…I needed to simplify my morning and my day a great deal.  The solution? Let go and donate the pile of bags and buy something that actually works for this new, simpler approach.

To begin to simplify, for me, is to need to carry less. I leave in the morning like a pack mule headed for a long trip. I am going to be out of the house for awhile, but I can’t even carry what I think I need for the day.

I have one purse now that I actually use. It’s a cute little Vera Bradley bag that I have wanted forever, but couldn’t justify the price. I found it practically new at Good Will for $9.99. It fits everything I need if I am going out and is a reasonable weight for me to carry. I love the simplicity of some of the bags on What's in Your Bag? and this is all I need with me most of the time. 

iPod, wallet, glasses, flashlight, keys, bus pass/work id,
Nikon,  phone, etc.

I also found a leather satchel that is a perfect size. It was not inexpensive, but the price was reasonable with a lifetime guarantee of repair. It fits my iPad, journal, reading book, small pouch and on work days I have a set of small metal containers that fit nicely in it to carry food for work.

This brings me to the next simplification of my day….lunch. It sounds a little crazy to say - but the truth is that food should not be as complicated as it is. I have to eat, but I know I need to simplify food and the time spent on it in my day.

It is stressful to me to have to make, pack, remember to bring and carry food for the day.  The solution in the past was to just grab some chips at the vending machine or coffee & bagel at the corner shop and then lunch at a local sandwich shop. Too much money wasted and not healthy enough to feel satisfied and not sick from eating. While I was home for 7 weeks with my sprained ankle, I got out of that habit and saw how ridiculous the spending was and also how my body doesn’t gain any quality nutrition from that routine.  My mind also does not gain anything from the stress of cooking a lunch and bringing it with me every day and the chaotic morning that I usually have…so I needed a different idea. 

My solution is to get up a little earlier and eat a heartier, healthier, slower paced breakfast and just bring small snacks or sandwich for during the day. This eliminates the ice pack, lunch bag, and bigger insulated bag I was carrying it all in that always seemed to fill up with yet more stuff…

What I know from this process of simplicity and minimalism, is that this one thing – the bag I carry to work – is just a symptom of the habits and mindset that I am changing. Needing less, slowing down, participating in events – rather than just reacting to the world around me - all of this is leading to a simpler life with a lot less possessions, and I am left with quality, meaningful, useful things that serve a variety of purposes. In the bigger picture, I would say that my possessions in the house are a lot like the wrong sized bag - just because there is room, stuff accumulates and overwhelms. We already live in a small house, it's only 900 sq. ft. - so with each closet and drawer I tackle and clean out, the space is very noticeable. 

Ideally, this process of reducing debt, needing less, donating excess and really evaluating the quality of life each day...will one day lead to not needing to work at a conventional job. It is my dream to be able to spend the day working at home on writing, gardening, crafting and cooking and eliminate the chaotic schedule completely. But this is not realistic right now, so I want to use this schedule I have and learn how to be calm within it. This is the perfect situation to evaluate and change habits while amidst the chaos. 

Mental Sustainability

I spent four hours Sunday stripping leaves off branches and cutting branches into kindling.

Why? Because I could!

After spending week after week sitting still and not able to do anything in the yard or garden, I worked slowly, at a task that would not hurt me, at an enjoyable pace, and I discovered something about myself: this is what I could do every day.  Gardening, yard work, housekeeping, cooking, canning, all of it.  Every day.

In the past, when I thought of being sustainable – I would think of the basics: food, clothing, shelter, water, safety, etc.  When I sat for a while – I discovered that there is another aspect to sustainability that I didn’t fully understand:  Mental sustainability. There are things that are individual to each of us that we require to have a mental wellness.  For me:  the relationships around me of family, friends, neighbors, gardening and nature, contributing to a community, cultivating beauty and creativity, writing, music, seeing a value in the day to day work that I do and playing games and having fun.

For example, there is a happiness that occurs when I complete a task I enjoy:  huge stick pile + empty bucket + stripping the leaves and cutting up sticks = full bucket. Full bucket of kindling + Winter weather = fire starter for cooking and heat. The value of the small amounts of work equal a greater value in the end and result in comfort, heat and food for family and friends and a warm shelter during the storms, as well as a mental comfort and warmth that recharges me and helps me deal with the harshness that sometimes occurs in the world. There is something magical that happens around a hearth.

Another realization came to me this week.  Although there are some projects that need to be done around the house and garden, I need nothing. I was surprised to find that the mental wish list of random things has disappeared. I have enough.  I am not excluding the dream of one day owning more land and being able to have animals and a much larger garden. That is a family dream. For me, personally, I’m done. I have everything I need and, in fact, actually need less than I have.  The few things I do plan to buy in the next year are related to living with less and being sustainable. (bike, hiking shoes, some plants and gardening supplies, and books. Books to read and learn and pass on.)  In the past, when October hit, I would start the frenzy of holiday wish lists and shopping. I really love to give gifts and encourage people, but a lot of the time it seems to just add to a pile of things they already don’t have the time to use. I really enjoy giving and receiving gifts of consumable such as candles, wine, a meal, traveling together, something handmade. Something to create a memory and show another person they are remembered and loved. I am looking forward to being creative with these new ideas for the holidays this year. If we could only change our minds and habits, and instead give of ourselves and our time.

As I rode the bus to work today, I overheard a conversation between an older man and a younger mom with her child. Their discussion was about where they would be sleeping tonight. He would be behind a dumpster downtown, in a friend’s hallway, maybe a shelter, and the woman had a hotel room that she and her child were staying in for a little while to keep them off the streets.  Neither knew what they would be doing for the winter.

This conversation brought what matters most into very clear focus. The chaos of 8-5, which really means 7:15 -5:45 some days with the bus commute, traffic screaming around school buses, around corners and everything screaming around me, the pushing around of papers for 8 hours and the same chaotic trip home. Time passes quickly, without much meaning in a failing economy and goals that can’t be met.  I like my job and most of the people I work with, but at the end of the day – where is the full bucket? I am grateful to have work, when so many people don’t, but where is the cultivation of beauty and creativity?  The money I make is useful for providing for our family and things we need…but what if we just didn’t need all those things anymore? In the evenings I walk or sit in the garden and wish for a day of hard work that contributes to the world to make it better. We’re all in this together and we need each other and in the evenings I am often too tired to spend time the way I would choose. I do my best to make the experience of my job useful to the accounts I deal with and I believe that I get paid to contribute something of value to the company every day. I do this for myself, so I can look at myself in a mirror and be satisfied that – even if I am not living what I dream  – I am giving my best to this day and what I am doing now. I know now that this way is not mentally or physically sustainable for me.

However, the wind is changing, the fog is lifting, and my mind is clearer than it has ever been.

There is something in motion here that will take me to a new place. It already has begun to change me. I don’t know the exact path or where it will lead, but the direction I am facing now looks very different and it feels like home...

and home is a great place to be...

A Small Harvest